he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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