Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
