I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Im part way to drunk.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
