new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
