Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
