I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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