C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
