My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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