cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
