Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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