That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
