Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
