I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
