Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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