i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
