will power is for people who don't want to get laid
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
