I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
