By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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