I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
