he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
