That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
