Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
