So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
