The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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