I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
