nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
