i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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