Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
