Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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