Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
