Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
