Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
