you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
