fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
fuck your aforementioned shoe
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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