I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
