U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
