how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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