hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
