one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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