remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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