i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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