Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
