____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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