I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
