you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
