Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
