Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
