I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
