she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
