Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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