Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
